I need some advice on how to have balance in my life. With demands of work kids family etc. I feel like I never have time for myself but when I do something for myself I feel guilty.
— Por Mi Gran Culpa
Dear “por mi gran culpa”,
Admittedly, “balance” is an area I have struggled with & have come to the conclusion that it will always be a work in progress. Learning that what we have been conditioned to believe as being “productive” goes back to colonialism, re-packaged as Capitalism & held together with a neat little bow of patriarchy.
Understanding our ancestors became the work force & were made to believe their worth came from what they produced, helped me break through the resistance I felt when wanting to take time for myself. Before you know it, you’ll be planning a road trip with your girls!!!
Let’s keep digging. Some of us were fed the adage “Do as I say, not as I do” when calling out my dad for smoking or drinking. Voila, I picked up on those bad behaviors (& not in a lady like manner either). To carve out time for yourself to reset & refresh is actually you modeling self-care & balance. In the process, you get to show up as your best self for them.
If possible, pick up a “stone of balance” called chrysocolla. Give it a job by setting your intention. You’ll be well on your way to serenity. Let us know how it goes.
How can one get over the fear of entering yet another negative or failing relationship. I’m so traumatized, and afraid to put myself out there again. I’m tired of being let down.
— Tragos de Amargo Licor
Dear “Tragos de Amargo Licor”,
I’m so sorry the hurt of being let down left you fearful of finding love. Have you considered the possibility of being heartbroken? According to the best Rom-Com’s taking time between relationships to process & heal hurt feelings is necessary before you can move on in a healthy way. Despite it being hard work, examining your behaviors & reactions throughout the relationship can help you take ownership of the part you played & learn from it. Learning healthier ways of relating will ultimately benefit all of your relationships.
But blah blah blah, we all know this right? Just covering all my bases, let’s get to the nitty gritty.
What the Rom-Com’s don’t tell you is that fear is based on the thoughts WE create & keep repeating to ourselves. We torture ourselves with some of these common culprits:
“What is wrong with me?”
“I must be unloveable”
“I’ll be alone forever”
“I’ll never find someone like Fulanito/a”
The list is endless & completely false. Because we are the creators of these fears, refuting them is within our control. We have the power to replace these with kinder, gentler mantras & begin building ourselves up again.
A powerful thought & actual truth I wish I would have known during my heartbreak days is:
“We aren’t a match & that’s ok”.
Taking your time to decipher whether you have more things in common than not works best before getting emotionally attached. aka DON’T HAVE SEX until you figure that out. No, I’m not being sexist. No matter how you identify, it’s highly probable one person gets sprung & we’re right back to hurt feelings.
Had I known some of this, it could have saved my friends from having to babysit me during my sloppy drunken nights.
Meditation with Ajoite (or Ajo Quartz) assists with emotional support & healing. “Its sweet vibrations not only soothe us-they also draw out the poison of one’s subconsciously held sorrows, fears, rage & old wounds.”
I’m feeling really stressed out/overwhelmed lately. We just purchased our first home and have tons of projects lined up. There’s also more on my daily to-do’s now that there’s more responsibility; as was expected. The problem here is that I can’t count on my partner to help me keep track of what’s important. For example, making a simple doctor appointment for our children! Or, or even schedule a mortgage payment let alone pay any bill’s on time. Even though I have reminders on our calendar, I still have to remind my partner to check the calendar! He works in the evenings (night shifts) and is home ALL day. How is this possible. It’s driving me insane
— Harried Homeowner
Querida Harried Homeowner,
Uuuuuummmmm babe, is that you? You aren’t messing with me are you? No? Mkayyyyy.
Well, this hits a little too close to home. You see, I have ADHD & you’ve just described me. It breaks my heart that you are as frustrated & disappointed as my husband. I am so sorry you are forced to carry all the responsibility on your shoulders. It isn’t fair. I do not presume to know your partners situation, however, I’ll share what has worked for my husband and I given my ADHD symptoms, in the hopes you can adapt what has worked for us to your situation. Some of this will be difficult to hear & consider this a trigger warning.
My husband and I have learned that spouses of ADHD-ers tend to suffer in silence. In your situation, shifting yourself as your first priority is crucial before you burn out & get resentful. These negative feelings snowball quickly into misunderstandings & bickering.
I believe in you Harried Homeowner. You are a badass; bringing home the bacon & cooking it too. Thankfully, you won’t need to do that anymore. Just because you CAN do it all doesn’t mean you should. Letting go may be hard AF & sounds re-donkulus coming from someone like me but, but stay with me boss bae.
Secrect step #2- You MUST escalate the importance of addressing these issues with your partner to the highest tier. This isn’t for theatrics. In my case, the ADHD brain needs to be motivated to act. It needs the adrenaline, a deadline & stimulus to keep it going. (Thank you ADHD Coach:)
In your case, motivation might come when you stop cleaning up his messes. First off, this parentifies you & ain’t nobody trying to tap their mama’s ass. Que te parece?
You still with me? Good. Let me clarify.
Because I know you’re not trying to get freaky with your nino, you want to avoid risking him feeling undermined & hurting his self-esteem. This can happen if you continue to usurp the responsibility from this grown man.
Now on to getting crafty. We need to protect your credit & assets.
I suggest splitting household duties & responsibilities. Ideally, this is done together but you are past that point & it will now be your boundary. Since he’s proven to be flakey, the most important accounts will fall on you sis. Sorry. Making your peace with this fact will make it easier for you. Remembering all the good that he in the areas you are not helps a lot. Make him the primary on accounts he is motivated to pay por ejemplo Netflix, internet, or his dollar shave club. Next, make him primary on accounts that don’t impact your estate but do have consequences for non-payment. Utilities tend to be very lenient with missed payments & it’ll take months & tons of warnings before they disconnect you. This never happened to us – bahahahahaha! Well, it’s never happened since (snort).
Next, you might look into working with a therapist. If cost is an issue, look for sliding scales, & resources in your community. The important thing is to get the ball rolling & if all else fails you will be getting the support you need.
Finally, again, in my case ADHD has been the third wheel from the jump in our marriage & will always be. What’s got us through the most challenging times is our agreement to have wild & passionate sex before discussing any issues. Set the terms during a neutral time, not in the middle of disagreement. Give this a shot only if you feel safe & respected by each other.
The feelings of connection & chill facilitates open hearts, vulnerability & compassion towards one another. We peel away the layers of armor we build up & there we are; naked & unwilling to ruin the mood.
I hope some of the pain & heartache we have experienced can serve you both to find your way to a balanced union. Keep us posted Boss Bae.
Stone suggestion for each to meditate with their own stone or charge with an intention.
Dolomite “helps one remain cheerful while doing necessary chores. It is a stone of humility, patience, constancy & loyalty to one’s path. It can help those who have trouble seeing projects through to completion, or who tend to be resentful of having to perform ‘petty’ or ‘menial’ work.
All crystal & stone suggestion taken from ‘The Book of Stones’ by Robert Simmons & Naisha Ahsian