My older brother is constantly asking me for favors. I don’t mind except that whenever I ask him help, he does not reciprocate. At first I thought his reasons were true but now I’m thinking they are just an excuse. I don’t like to do things for people planning for them to owe me but this feels unfair & selfish. We are adults now & the favors aren’t small anymore. These are things that require me to go out of my way. I’m very hurt but also frustrated. What can I do? Sometimes I actually do need a favor lol.
Hazme un paro, no?
Querido/a Hazme un paro, no?
Ahhhhhh, the age old dilemma of favors between siblings. Usually, you see the older sibling being served by the younger sibs, as if they were royalty. Hot Cheetos, Cup O’Noodles & Coke served up on a platter. The good old days!!!
I am going to assume you have already spoken to your older brother about this one-sided relationship you are having. If you haven’t, that’s where you need to start. Be sure to ask him for a good time to speak in private. Do it soon before the bad feelings build up & you explode in the middle of the carne asada. Although it may feel gratifying to throw him under the bus in front of friends and family so they can see what a selfish cabrón he is….that is not going to get him to do the favors you really want from him. Asi qué truchas, you have to be strategic.
Once you have laid out your feelings, making sure to use “I” statements the entire time, it’ll be time to sit back & wait. When you are ready, hit him with the request, be mindful however – don’t be the person that is alway needing to be rescued. Expecting that from anyone is not ok. I’m not saying don’t ask, we all forget really important things sometimes & do need a for realz paro…the kind only your caregivers or parents would be willing to come to the rescue for. But don’t get mad if they say no, don’t take it personal. We all lead packed lives & the possibility for anyone to get out of work to stand in line for the newest iPhone for you is just redonkulous. If that’s the case with you then it’s time for some introspection & more refined habits around organization & planning. No shade, we’ve all been there.
But back to your older brother, once you hit him with an appropriate request – I’m talking like “Yo, big bro I need help understanding my 401K, or what stocks to invest in, come over for brunch Saturday & sit with me for a few hours please?” (cuz we all need to get our money out of our gabetas). If he still acts gacho after several opportunities to reciprocate and he doesn’t…. Channel your inner Marsai Martin as Diane & be like “Boy, bye! No more favors. And stick to it yo, don’t feel sorry for this a grown ass man. Only trust him if he proves to be trustworthy & consistant. You can still have a tight relationship with him without being his personal assistant.
Get you a “pyrite” for your conversation with him, it will help you in maintaining your will & letting go of any bad habits (just in case) Continue to use it through this process. You got this & it will valuable to you in other areas of your life too.
Mi tia es un empacho!!! She is extremely passive aggressive & a real life mean girl. She takes it to another level for example, when she is out in public she might call someone Gorda (or worse) when they are walking by. My elementary aged nieces and nephews have made comments to me about her unkindness. They say it’s bullying and not ok. They aren’t going to stand up to her because it’ll be disrespectful but I’m an adult. Shouldn’t I be standing up to her? I feel like I should but, I’m scared. She is afterall my elder & I should “respect” her but how can I with such immature behavior. Any advice will help.
I’m yas Keedding!!!
Dear “I’m yas Keeding!!!”
OMG! I’m assuming she uses this phrase “I’m just kidding” to dismiss her mean comments. Yikes, this reminds me of the very well known Mexican past time “dando carrilla” which translates to “teasing on steroids”. “Dando Carrilla” is a way to joke with friends and family, and according to the culture – you are supposed to take it. I don’t know if this is a thing in other Latin American Countries, I hope not because it is brutal and it stings because the focus will literally be on your most obvious perceived “flaw”, this explains “loving” nicknames such “gordo” “enano” “burrito”. No, not the carne asada burrito, people in Mexico will still straight up call you a “donkey” as in a loving nickname.
All that to say, some of this is cultural and you gots to be brave.
That said, it’s perfectly appropriate for you to take your Tia aside privately on a day she can talk (not during a family get together) and have a heart to heart. Start out by telling her you love her and appreciate her and give her some examples of everything you admire about her. Once that is established, explain to her how her passive aggressive behaviors are being perceived by the little ones and how conflicted they are being taught one thing and seeing something else around family. Then, you’ll have to break down why “I’m just kidding” is a veiled way of hurting those we love. Explain the cultural differences but yet point out how in whatever culture we are in, at the end of the day we are shaming others and THAT is not ok because a lot of the time we do it to the people we most love. If she gets defensive, challenge her to take an honest poll of family members to see if they are being hurt by it. She probably won’t want to, at which point you can challenge her as to why not – is she afraid of the answers she’ll get? Probably. She’ll be proving your point.
If all goes well, you can offer her support to make amends with family members you think she may have hurt. You can take it a step further by opening up a family dialogue about it. I suggest you center it around cultural differences and how we can share & learn valuable lessons from other cultures.
I wish you lots of luck & send you all the good vibes. Arm yourself with some black tourmaline & a “Mal de Ojo” amulet. Hopefully, you won’t unleash her inner gacha & be the focus of her “I’m yes keeding” jokes.
Vaya con Dios!
With everyone getting vaccinated & the holidays coming up, I am dreading having to see my relatives at the Abuelas Christmas get-together. Family will be flying in & staying an extended period to make up for “lost time”. Even though they aren’t anti-vaxxers, many are conservative, vote that way & back you know who. My Abuelas caretaker is my uncle & his wife & they are taking every C-19 precaution. RSVPs are rolling in & soon we will be face to face. Ugh! Gramma is 92 & there is no way out.
I could be cool & avoid those topics but a couple of my younger male cousins are obnoxiously brainwashed and sit around being all attacky to the point of bullying the rest of us with comments. I know they are going to set me off! Help, I have to see Abuelita, she’s my Boo! She’s hella progressive too, she just loves people & doesn’t have one bad bone in her body! How do I handle these knuckleheads and their machista y racista rhetoric.
Querida Auxilio! Socorro!
Daaaaaannnnnngggggg I feel you! Holidays have been super chill for a minute, not having to deal with real-life people problems.
Que te dire chiquilla!!! Familia is familia & dealing with these bozos is part of the game right? So here is what I suggest:
Take the high road. Get a few days of meditation in before your gatherings to build your patience & tolerance. Make a list of the thing you love best for each one. You may have to go back to when they were 5 years old to find something you love about them, but that’s ok. Practice thinking of them and associating that memory of what you love best about them, until it becomes automatic.
Write out a mantra to repeat while you meditate “Juanito is kind deep in his heart.” Carry a morganite crystal in your pocket to grab on to it when you feel yourself losing it…repeat your mantra, and allow your heart to expand. Go snuggle with Abuelita & remember you’re staying chill for her.
Get Granny to announce beforehand there will no political talk at the gathering. No buñuelos to those who do!!
F*&%$* with Them!!! Bahahahahahahah! How?
Make them hella uncomfortable. Get Granny & the rest of the fam in on it tho! Pick the topics that will freak them the F-OUT, prepare some good zingers & comebacks. This will probably turn into a very toxic gathering but what better way to send off 2021!!
My the force be with you!!!
(All crystal information from The Book of Stones: Who they are & what they teach by Robert Simmons & Naisha Ahsian, contributions by Hazel Raven)