Mi Abuelita would always talk about a loss she had years ago right after mi Tia Sarita’s birth.
Gemelos. La partera dijo que eran dos.
After my Tia Nela’s birth- her very last birth at 41- mi abuelita had very heavy painful days monthly. No se podia ni levantar.
She had to see the doctor for some kind of injection to make it all bearable.
She never told me any of this. All I knew was the pendiente on in her face when my tias were pregnant.
Mi Tia Rosario couldn’t have a baby for three whole years before my cousin Beto was finally born. Te, hierbas, listones en el vientre, reposo. Bien difícil-no creas.
Mi Tia Loli se caso right after college. Fuimos al pueblo durante las fiestas y todo. I carried her recuerdos in a red satin “flower girl dress”.
But by the spring of next year, I had to keep running errands for mi Abuelita so she could speak in private to mi tia whenever we would visit. Within a year of her big move to Bakersfield, my siblings and I were helping her unload her pickup back to mi Abuelitas.
What followed was months of crying, fighting, and visits to the doctor for my tia. I heard my uncle yell “Y te tenias que embarazar!”
My cousin Mila says she never felt pain like that day
Y el proximo dia peor.
Pero le dijeron that she needed the injection the nurse was holding or else it could cost her her life
All a blur she says.
It’s okay she says. She is just glad que ya paso.
Y mi ama.
She found out about me only months after an accident that left my brother’s chin scarred and my parents in panic.
The doctor sent my mom home y le aseguro que ella se veía bien and the baby
seemed okay
The next morning she cried as she asked my dad to drive her back to the hospital.
It was too late.
She held her panza for days as ribbons and knots of blood unraveled out of her.
So when I came to be, my mom held her panza… never sure.
I could sense there were plans being made for me, but I was always a maybe.
She was unable to relax, holding her panza. Unable to just be.
~~~~
Today the doctor said the numbers they ran indicate that I should have better insurance if I truly want to try. And the sooner the better.
I know people say what will be, will be .
Pero que pasa si it cannot be?
What if I cannot be..
Cannot be..
Unable to just be.
He holds me and says there are other ways.
Y lo se.
I wrote this poem to honor the stories of mujeres who yearn to be, fear to be, contemplate being, become, unbecome, and who will never be mothers.