The Way I Used to Be, written by Amber Smith, was published in March of 2016 and nominated for Best Young Adult Fiction in 2016 in the Goodreads Choice Awards. Trigger warning for everyone reading this because this book deals with heavy topics, like rape and sexual assault, that need to be talked about.
The Way I Used to Be is about a young girl, Eden, who is sexually assaulted by a family friend that she trusts. The story follows her through her four years of High School and how she chooses to get through life now, being weighed down by this trauma. She goes through the ups and downs of life not only as a high schooler but also as someone with this secret and declining mental health. Sometimes, you want to yell at her character because she is doing something self-sabotaging, and then there are times when you are crying along with her because you can feel the pain through the page.
Amber Smith was able to execute such a sensitive topic with grace, getting out to the public what it is really like to deal with mental health problems, mainly when caused by trauma. Mental health and trauma survivors can often be portrayed as people who don’t have a grasp on their emotions or are constantly crying by the media, but that isn’t always the case. You often feel numb to everything because you are overloaded, and your brain doesn’t know what to do, so it shuts down. Smith was able to write this into her novel, where you can feel the void that Eden feels after being assaulted. What drew me in was the way she wrote Eden’s character because, in the end, she doesn’t rely on a boy to get her through this rough stage. Instead, she relies on herself and ultimately realizes that she needs to be the one to save herself. She needed to take the power back rather than hide from it ever since she was assaulted. Throughout the novel, you see her trying to do this in the wrong ways. She was filling this void with alcohol and sleeping with different guys because she thought this was ultimately her choice, when in reality, it was the trauma that was choosing this life for her, and it took her time to realize that. She had to live through life and make her own mistakes because once your power is taken away like hers was, only you can restore it.
Ultimately, describing a novel that encompasses such an abstract and sensitive topic is challenging. Still, it’s worth the read if you want to go on an emotional rollercoaster with Eden.